It had been a year since moving out to a home with my little family, it had been a accomplishment to finally have a home for Leo, laura and my self that had a wood burner that I spent many a happy evening sat in front off watching films with the family, but some thing wasn't right, I was feeling stressed ,angry and confused I couldn't understand why and the smallest of things would really tick me off.
Silly things such as toys being scattered about, plugs being left scatterd on the floor or make up just left laying scattered on the floor would drive me into a sense of fury.
I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I knew I had never been like This before comming from a house that is housed by three blokes you'd think id be pretty chilled and to be honest it normally am or were!
I all ways use to say when me and Laura first met or generally in conversation over the 5-1/2 years that there would be a time in the month were I use to feel agitated I use to refer to it as my mans period,
Laura all ways use to spot this or I'd tell her that I was was feeling a little agitated, it use to be one of those things that we laughed at,and a kiss and a cuddle I'd be back to my normal lukey self and not mr grumpy!
How ever this time last year like i said some thing was sitting right with me, I had found my self a second job working as a doorman on a Friday and Saturday night earlier in the year as I was finding even tho me and Laura split all the bills 50/50 and some times more and less for each other, that I was still being left very little expendable income, which was added stress to me as Laura puts it I enjoyed my little exspensive hobbies, such as my motor cross bike and tattoo, I would find by doing these hobbies it was an escape for me, how ever even then i found something was right I still felt incredibly low!
I soon became very tired on the weekends having worked 5 days in the week and some times being away from home for a week at a time and then working from 8pm to 2am on a Friday and Saturday evening!
I chose to work the evening as it still gave me a Saturday and Sunday to spend with Leo and Laura and not miss out on the little things!
It kind of fitted in as Leo would be in bed and Laura enjoyed the time on her own to write up her reviews and to work on her successful blogging!
The extra money did help as it was an extra £400 a month comming into my hands that did help with some of the stress!
I had allso taken some time off from my day job to help and work for my father over two weeks of my holiday, I really enjoyed the time working with my father as we all ways have got on like friends and brothers and our sense of humour is very alike so even tho I knew it was going to be a hard couple of weeks labouring I knew I was going to enjoy and the benefit of the extra money as well!
How ever I was starting to notice a physical change in my self, it had all ways been joked at work that I was loosing my hair, I would laugh It of as I all ways thought of it as a joke and didn't take any notice, I always thought the short strands of hair I found in the sink or shower were from Laura so it never bother me, until the weeks I worked with my father and it was on a drive home that I noticed as i ran my fingers through my hair getting bits of sand and stone out I noticed how much hair there was inbreed my fingers, again and again as i did this I was actually getting 25-30 strands in my hand and it wasn't from the too of my scalp but from the back and sides as well!
Oh dear this was the last thing I wanted as I guess I'm vein with in my looks and yet again who isn't!
This was a another deeper stress added to me and something that really affected me as I could really see the change in my hair as looked at photos from the year previously and what I could see in the mirror!
I was becoming very agitated from the actions of my son Leo, normally he would fill me full of pride and laughter and that warm fussy feeling, I didn't get it I couldn't understand why I felt like this, for example I would hate the idea of sitting down for a meal with the three of us In a restaurant as I would just want Leo to sit down eat his meal and play nicely, yes he's a little boy and he will be naughty at time to time but I could feel this fury monster comming over me as I would try and be assertive with him but it fell on death ears with him I felt like he would mock me and Laura, I was starting to really know something wasn't right.
It was this time last year that Laura and I had a huge argument I believe over tigger the cat, he was a naughty kitten but cute and I have all ways been an animal lover how ever Laura had decided that after a few months tigger had to go to a better suited home for him as we were renting and he was starting to do a lot of damage to the carpet, and I found it very hard to come to terms with this little kitten may be going to a new home as Leo really enjoyed having a kitten and to behonest it was nice to have a family pet.
I believe that evening as people came to see tigger I hid my self away up stairs as I was quite up set and didn't want Laura and the potential new owners seeing me on the edge of crying my eyes out,
Laura came up after they left and an argument started as I felt so angry that some thing could just be got ridden of as it wasn't really working,
I believe the words I quoted were " I'm fed up of your shit!!" I believe I was frustrated that a responsibility was to be had and I had been against having a kitten as I knew it wasn't going to be easy and being in a rented home was going to cost Laura financially so yes I was a bit pissed as I felt it was almost the " easy come.... Easy go" dilemma!
How ever after a day to cool down I went back to see Laura and apologise for my actions and to say I am sorry and that I do love her and care, it was as I lay in her arms and we spoke about the situation that she mentioned that May be I should go to the doctor and have a chat she believed that I maybe I may have depression!
I had decided to act upon Laura's advice and make the step to seeing my doctor,
How ever the next day I had called and made an appointment, that evening i did the same thing I all ways do and headed out to the gym for an hour, that evening I was approached by a gentleman who I had often spoke to in the gym about work and gym things really, he was a man in his 40's and a professional in his career, he came across and to say hi as was really getting stuck in to a punch bag probably still being upset over the incidents that had occurred that week he asked if I was ok,
I gave him the usual "yer not bad... Same shit different day " as I joked.
At that point he said " no Luke your not ok" I kind of asked how the fuck do you know that,
At that point he said we had known each other in the gym for a year and he was a little worried about the actions I was displaying with in the gym and the aggression I was putting into the training!
It turned out the man I called Watkins and enjoyed doing triathlons was a psychiatrist and a councillor he took to me to one side and suggested that I see him as he believed i am deep into depression.
So after a gym session that mainly involved talking to James (Watkins) I had planed to meet him in his office on the Saturday.
He diagnosed me with depression and S,I,A ( stressed induced alopecia) and asked me to look at my diet as my blood sample was very high with testosterone!
I told Laura that I had been to see some one and that I was prescribed a medication to take for both illnesses!
James had told me this wasn't going to be an over night cure and that it would take 6months to a year before i felt like the old lukey!!
So with Christmas comming up I decided that 2014 was going to be a good year as I have been given an answer to a question I had!! Laura and I seemed to be getting back on track to the loving and playful couple we use to be,
The build up to Christmas was great I was feeling good and happy, I felt as I was falling in love with Laura again as she gave me a warm fussy feeling when we cuddled and made me feel safe and loved.
I found my self enjoying quality time with Leo and having a good time with my Laura we spent days out doing go ape and the free time over Christmas cuddled up in front of the fire, eating out or meeting friends for drinks in Cheltenham!
Yes we may of had a few discussions about things but they were positve and we got there, no more bitching or arguing!
The new year had sprung into spring and all was well I was calm, Laura was happy and Leo.... Was Leo still growing and learning everyday what adventuress life has in store for him!
How ever I had still been meeting with James on Saturday morning at the gym to train together as he found it was an ideal place for both us, the session normally involved me discussing home and work life and my relationship with Laura and where I wanted to be with my training prepping for the fire service!
He had known that I was feeling a little stressed as I was hoping to plan a big surprise for Laura but had been knocked back on my plan from probing conversations I had with her, and I had just lost a work college and close friend that month to cancer that had really upset me as he was such a nice man who all ways looked out for me at work!
I felt very low again and I was told it was only naturall to feel how i did,
How ever that was only the start of it! I had been told in April that my grand father had been taken into hospital very I'll,
My mum had gave me the impression that his time may be drawing to a near,
It turned out that my grandad had, breast,liver and stomach cancer and it was terminal as he wouldn't be allowed chemo therapy as he was too weak and the therapy would do more harm than good.
This really sank me low as at the time I was fighting to get into the fire service (that's for another time)
I had lost my friend at work, and my grandad who was a strong northern man was at home with my slowly becoming weaker and weaker!
It hurt so much seeing this ferocious man needing the help of my self and family to help feed and allow him to use the toilet, it was then that this monster had made a big return, the fury was back but with the help of James and a personal trainer I met I managed to keep it all at bay by chanelling these emotions in to talking and training!
The month of May had turned it's ugly head and that sad news that the family home Laura,Leo and I had, was not going to be renewed.... Great that's all we needed so the stresses of looking for a new home had begun, Laura being Laura got straight on the case and stated the hunt, I don't know why but it really threw me I was not happy one bit, I was so angry that some one was taking our home away... It wasn't because of anything we had done but the landlord needed the home for family reasons! I accepted that but it am insecurity had arisen in me and I really wanted to own a home that I knew was ours and gave both Leo and Laura a secure future!
This had started to begin a few heated discussions between us as I would like to buy a home but that involved having to move home for a few months to save up the last of our deposit so hopefully with Laura's and my wages no more 4 months as we all ready £6k saved!
Laura was adamant that we should continue renting but this insecurity inside me hated that idea and the thought of not being secure drove me deeper into the ground!
(The insecurity of owning a home comes from my past!)
Laura had found a home that she loved and had viewed her self with Leo and I could tell she loved, she showed me some photos she had taken and it looked very smart, she asked what do I think?? but I didn't know what to think as I had not seen it and to behonest my mind was elsewhere with my thoughts of my grandad! So I responded saying i don't know what to think!!
Yet again I was not feeling my self Laura had told me that she "wasn't going home it's simple and that she would rent it on her own!"
I didn't know what to say or do as the last thing i wanted was for her to do it on her own and I wanted to be with them but I felt the house was not suitable for us after viewing it as it was a lot smaller than what we had at the moment and slightly more expensive!
I just wanted some where if we rented that was value for money as we were paying some one else's mortgage and I couldn't see my self being happy living there which I needed as the fury monster was quickly taking a grip on me again!!
With my grandad being ill I made sure I saw him every week and we spoke about the situations occurring with the home and his advice to me was " all ways provide for your Family and make sure that your son and Laura are safe and secure in a home that no one can take away from you"
That day he gave me a cheque to help me with the savings towards a house deposit which was so kind as he said " my time is comming up and I'm not going to spend it so I'm happy for it to go to your family to help"
Two days later and my grandfather had taken a turn for the worst I was contacted by mum that he is looking like that it may be he last few hours
I can remember that moment as i was working on a roof in Lyme Regis and my boss had been with me as i answered the call for my mum to say " Luke.. Grampy is put well he hasn't got long left you may want to get here and say bye!"
The first thing I did was just cry my boss looked at me and said go take the yellow van and go for it!!
So I dumped everything flew straight of the roof striped the contents of the van out and put pedal to the metal and made a 2.5hr journey home in an 1hr and half my work colleagues met me on the motorway to exchange the work vehicle with my vehicle to save me time!
On arrival it was adamant that my grandad was very ill as only 48 hours earlier he was very chatty and seemed ok but this was different now he couldn't talk and only just whisper and nod or shake his head!
I sat with him all dayas he appeared to be awake and i just chatted to my self telling him all about the tests for the fire service and the house hunting he was acknowledging my conversation with nods and an increasing grip of my hand as I spoke.
That evening has got to be one of the most emotional moments of my life it must of been 2am and it was apparent it wasnt going to be long which I prayed for as he was in so much pain and he wanted it all to stop.
The nurse had arrived to help in the evening in case of any medical assistance was needed and i could see my grandad slowly falling away so I had to take the moment while he was still with us and tell him as I cried my eyes out that, " i thank you for everything you have ever done for us!! Thank you for all the things you taught me as I grew up!, thank you for being there for me! Thank you for the laughs we had and the days we spent together, and that Leo and I love you so much and please don't worry about us as we will find a home for us and Leo Laura and I will be secure and I was going to go ahead and to ask Laura for her hand in marriage and secure all three of us together in one family, you will never be forgotten Grampy and both you and nanny will be there in our thoughts and feelings!"
God I was so upset I was so happy as he acknowledged everything I said by nodding and just able to whisper the words "go for it,"
I had to leave the room as I couldn't contain my emotions and it wasn't fair on my grandad to see me like this!
I must of fallen asleep on the sofa as I was awoken at 6am by the nurse waking me to say that she had to leave but would be back later, so I headed into his room and just over a couple of hours he was completely gone just managing to breathe,
4 hours later as I was upstairs having a wash and pulling my self together he passed away and my mum came up to tell me,
I felt relieved as he was no longer in pain and happy that I had spoke to him at the time I did and told him how much I loved him!
The next 48hrs really allowed that fury monster to get a hold on me I contacted Laura and let her know that Grampy had passed away, wether it was me I don't know but with the house situation still going I felt Laura was being a little bit insensitive with things on the same day as my grandad had died I didn't want to look at homes to rent, and certainly didn't want to discuss it I felt so angry and it wasn't her fault I just wish maybe the actions from both of us were different!
The fury monster was back I felt like shit my grandad gone, my work collegue gone, our family home gone and the fire service making jump through hoops because of my eye to get in!
I got home had a good cry in Laura's arms and we spoke and talked about what had happened but I felt so numb I didn't want to bother with work... Couldn't be bothered looking at homes especially resenting them and it caused a lot of friction between me and Laura..... We argued a lot and were both very stubborn which didn't not help situations... Mr grumpy was back and he was more pissed than ever... I spoke to James and agreed that I needed to get the help to pull me out of this...
As I said to him I felt alone... My girl was going to rent the home on her own no matter what and she was perfectly happy to do it on her own with Leo!
I was a complete ass hole and called her bluff and told her to do it!!
My grandads funeral was approaching In which Laura and I attended and it didn't start well as I smashed my wing mirror on Laura's parents drive so with the fury monster firmly gripped on me I completely lost my temper to the point Laura was not going to come to the funeral with me but as I said to her I need her there,
thankfully she came how ever with in ten minutes of being there and with the stresses of the house stuff I had flipped at her, my mother asked Laura how the house hunt was going and I responded to my mum to leave it as it was a sore subject between us, I guess I took the wrong way and I like I said Laura and I are very stubborn so when she replied that I was being very selfish and wouldn't go ahead with this house she wanted, I replied that's because it's not suitable and I'm not doing it, Laura then and I guess rightly said " I'm renting it on my own.... I don't need you Luke!" At that point I flipped and and said "well you can do it on your own Laura if you don't need me then do it" it was completely in appropriate as my grandads coffin came down the lane!
The funeral went well and Laura and I kind of made Amends and we both apologised but it still stuck with both if us!
We had a weekend planed away in Falmouth and to behonest I was looking forward to it as we could of all done with a break but I felt very numb still. I did enjoy the days out to the marine museum and the hotel Laura had booked it was in a beautiful setting of falmout harbour!
How ever I was snappy with Laura over issues of his behaviour and that bought Laura and I head to head yet again!
I did enjoy the weekend but my mind was elsewhere with my grandad, so I guess I seemed like a right ass that weekend.
The afternoon we got back I wanted to relax and I really wanted to sit down and talk and have a cuddle as I was feeling very down and alone and looking back I realise that we needed to move our stuff up to Laura's parents but I wanted that evening to unwind with my girl and talk and that evening it all came to ahead Laura and I argued we were spiteful to each other which I regret as no one deserves spite!
It came to ahead as we argued as i said to Laura " you know where over? " her response which was funny as I look back now " no shit Sherlock" so that was it,
The furry monster had done it and fucked things up for me and deeper i fell into his grip!
Yes it not all just the depression I am to blame allso.
But all I Can say is some times there is an answer to why things feel as they do and it has been 2 months since i finished my medication and James has gave me the positive news that he no longer requires I need prescription help and I allso feel so much better in my self I feel like the old lukey whom was laid back and chilled but still with a realistic view on life!
All I can say is yes I am not depressed any more and my hair is growing back and I am happy about my self,
How ever as I sit here writing this post, I am alone at my fathers home.... With a house deposit in the bank and a career as fireman for a secure future underway, but I don't have the women I wanted as my wife, and my son is not in the same 4 walls at night so I can't protect him.... So it's worth nothing to me as I don't have my family!!
All ways be there at the darkest of times and when the going gets tough the tough get going.....just get your head down and keep moving forward keep moving forward!
What a difference a year makes..................????
Yours sincerely Luke! X
